Begin.

I was reminded today by a beautiful young woman about this. I had forgotten, or perhaps I remembered. I guess it does not matter.

The moment I hit the keys, rain began. It is beautiful. I want to run and kiss someone in it. Make me believe in a God once again.

Can you imagine it? The rain. The soft patter on the rough. The wind rushing through the trees. Lightening crackling. Close your eyes, you could see it. It is getting hard, the drops are now fists. Yet I’d be happy to be hit by these soft water fists.

My friend, my oldest friend leaves tomorrow. He leaves to Thailand. I guess I am writing now for him. He was the only one that knew about this blog. He was the only one that would read it. He was the only one that would ask me why I stopped writing. I guess he showed that he cared. You do not see that often. People will always say they want to read, but few do. They skim, skim over memories worth gold to me yet to them they are nothing.

The rain has softened again.

Sometime ago, when I still felt the righteousness of a God in my life. I decided with my friend to serve Him. I tried. I fought until blood replaced tears. Yet my friend and I, we fought together. I gave him strength, and he gave me his. We had a goal, an eternal goal if you will. He always considered me the strong one, for I fared better than he did in the initial battles.

Now look at the two of us. He won his fight, and I started a different war. He will serve, and he will find joy. I found suffering, and yet we shall both grow the same. I cannot express how much I miss him. He will return of course. Time is fleeting and both subjective to the perspective of the beholder. Time will soon end, and I will see him again. That does not worry me. What worries me is how things will change. Change will happen. I just wish it wouldn’t I suppose.

Its still raining. Softly, but steady. I can feel sound filling me. Its a nice like tonight that I would wish I had someone to hold. It’s been a long time since I have had that.

My friend asks me, if my decision to change myself made me happier. I said no, he then said, then why would you change? Because of truth I said. Because I could not revoke what I knew to be truth. He then asked, what was my truth. I told him that my truth was my guiding force, my will, my life, it constantly adapted by experience. If something is true, then I say it will conquer, truth will always conquer.   Then, he says, was what you knew as truth before a lie? No, I say. Knowing what I then knew now, my truth was changed. My truth could not reject the obvious things before me.

He says, do you think that what I am doing, by serving a God, that I am wrong? I say no, because what you are doing is truth for you. If I know anything, I say, is that truth is completely subjective to the people that define it. You have your truth, and you will be guided by it. You hold your truth so strongly that you want to change peoples lives with it. ALl that matters is that you truth.

Ha ha. Good luck following whatever the fuck I just wrote.  On another note, fuck is a fantastic word. You could use it for almost anything and be okay.

It is still raining. I will sleep well tonight.

Good day my friend.

– Jose Alejandro

Arizona, Pesky Arizona

I have begun a new transitional phase in my life that I am still rather unsure about. The decision was made quick, but the impact is lasting. I find myself residing in a home with other men, with their life styles lived in a manner different than my own. Everything revolves around futon couches and Humberto’s burritos. Each of us have a common goal in mind, which is to sell the ever blessed pest control. 

From 12 – 8 everyday I am knocking on doors, constantly knocking. 

“Hey, I am the local route manager for the area and I am making sure that I am getting the neighborhood taken care of.” 

The routine pitches become a memorization until you find someone, the catch among 40 others, that actually bite. It is tiring work, and some here are much better than others. It is only my fourth day this morning, but I am hoping for a positive experience. Today is my day! I just need to come up with a way to be able to make it my day. Soon I will have a solution to this.

Other than that, life is interesting. My social life consists of the 4 guys that I abide with, since this is my first week here I have not had that many social encounters. A YSA Ward on Sunday, then Volleyball last night, simple things that I hope to make my own.

 

Good evening to the random individuals who will take the time to read this. You are few, but I hope that you know that I love you, with all my heart.

I have not written in sometime. My mind and time has not been my own, or well they have been, I simply have spent it  rashly. My second semester of college has been completed, all I have left is work. I slave away at a restaurant day after day, and it is not fulfilling work. Only twice have I clocked out thinking, what a wonderful shift that was!

I am not in a right state of mind. My mission call process has been continually extending, making it feel almost eternal. This mad dance with time as I fight against my demons. I received a message last Sunday that I am to attend an appointment with LDS Family Services, who will deem me fit, or deny me for a mission call. This is because of my wretched addiction. Two weeks ago I would have gone in there with my head held high without any fear of reprimand.

Now I approach the date with fear. Knowing that my chances for being able to serve the Lord are slim. My eyes are dark, my mind betrays me and I feel a darkness growing within me. I have mentioned it so many times, but it is because I have seen it arise, grow, and prosper so many times. I have fallen countless times, and yes I have arisen each time, but right now it feels so hopeless. I feel so devoid of all energy. When I had to face the Stake president, nerves filled my being. With a contrite heart I prayed and fasted for the ability to have the Spirit of God be with me. Scripture study and the Spirit accompanied my preparation and it was good.

I lack all kind of motivation. I have an 18 page questionnaire to complete but I cannot take it seriously. Whenever I succumb to the devil that is my addiction, I never become immediately angry, it grows slowly. It swells my pride. It makes it so that I want no one to be beside me, a desperate call for a never arriving independence.  It makes me argue, lack sympathy, it takes me away from the person that I want to be.

So yeah. There is a large chance that I will be denied a mission call.  My father and friends have told me that it is fine. It is the will of God! So be it. That I should keep my head held high because the reason that I cannot now is because of my honesty.

That’s bull shit. Completely and utterly. The reason why I cannot serve is because I am NOT WORTHY. It has nothing to do with honesty, I simply am not worth the investment to the church. I am afraid what I will do if I am denied a call. If I am, well. Expect bad things. Very bad things. I am in such a negative state of mind, my energy only attracts darkness.

It is now that I feel alone, abandoned, lost.

I just want to get out.

So bad.

The intelligent sinner is the worst kind; they try to justify everything they do.

A Response to Jacob

My dear friend,

Some time ago I was speaking with my institute teacher about the nature of the fall of man. Something that has long caused me great curiosity is the the reasons as to why the 1/3 of the host of heaven had left. It is known doctrine that this host have gone into a place of outer darkness, beyond all love and redemption. This act of casting them out by God was not so much that they had sinned, but because they had sinned while having perfect knowledge. This makes me wonder, why would they leave?
It could not have been because they were destined to fall. I cannot believe in a God that would create any of his children for the purpose of forsaking them. There had to be something that they fundamentally believed in that caused them to deny God and his power, and believe in something else. There are many theory’s I have, such as, there is something about the nature of God we do not understand, or perhaps they did not understand the need for consequence in life. Regardless as to why, it begs the question as to if Satan and his followers are necessary to the Plan of Salvation, to prove and challenge us.
I would say no, I do not believe that they were ever necessary; they only made it that much more difficult. My institute teacher was saying, that something that going through the temple teaches you is that there was a period that Jehovah told Adam and Eve that he would be away. There was great intention for Him to return, but in the period that he was absent, was when Lucifer tempted them into eating the fruit. I do not know to much about this “absent” period, and what it might represent. It brings to my mind the idea that He would have “returned” with a solution for the plan in mind. Meaning that Satan was not necessary for the plan, he only quickened the process.
I believe that there are certain cosmic laws that have come to define the universe as it is known to man. These laws are the same ones which our God in Heaven must abide by. One of the most perfect laws that we know about is the Law of Justice, meaning that there is opposition in all things. This idea of “natural man” is something that is a part of all of us, but I believe that this idea is far more eternal that we can imagine. The very term “natural man” feels inadequate, but I feel it is the result of cosmic consequence. The reason why that 1/3 host left was because of their “natural man” which is something that the Lord has no power over, he cannot stop it. He can aid us in knowing Him, and separating ourselves for our “natural” selves, but the best thing he can do is provide us innocence by passing through the Veil through birth. Mean that Satan has no power over the natural man, and he does not captain it. He simply understand it as Christ does, but he does everything in his power to aid our “natural state.”
An idea occurs to me, if the natural man is an enemy to God, and we as men are foreordained with this natural state, is it that we in essence are in opposition of God? Or is it that we are subject to a great universal power that goes beyond our comprehension of things deemed Celestial?

Just a thought my friend.

Past Journal Entry: Concerning Zen Thinking

Past Journal Entry with certain modifications:

January 15, 2014

Something curious that I realized in the comparison between Buddhism, specifically Zen ideologies, and Christianity is their stances on dualism. In Zen, everything is about existing, yet not existing. this concept is more than a complex thought, but an idea of being and not being. Two sides of an existentialist coin. It is beautiful, yet in substance, but it lacks substance to me.  A wonderful belief is the idea that enlightenment can be found in every moment, and in every scenario, and in every person.  This type of enlightenment is an idea of being connected to everything. Feeling the universe connecting through your energies, and finding that you are each one. You are dependent, while being independent. The clouds are themselves, and the sky is itself, yet you cannot have one without the other in this mentality.

From my perspective, this idea of enlightenment is something much simpler. This concept of being fully aware of your environment, awareness of mind, touch, taste, breathing, consciousness, is not something mystical. It is simply the Holy Spirit, as most people of the Mormon faith are familiar with.

The calm sense of nature that is found within the Atonement and through Christ is the very same as finding your inner Buddha. When you mediate, you focusing on breathing, and through breathing and awareness you are connected with the universe around you. Is not praying this? Finding peace within your circumstances and finding a connecting with the universe, with God. I meditate to clear my mind, to know myself, and therefore, to know my God, and my inner Buddha.

The main difference between this non- dualism ideal in Zen thought and Christianity, is that Christianity in turns believes in absolutes. While in Buddhism, they aim for perfection by finding their Buddha. In the view of a Zen thinker, it is impossible to attain perfection, which is why the aim for it. They know that it will never happen yet do it for that very reason. Its non- dualism, achieving impossible perfection imperfectly. Christ, on the other hand, can make what is deem impossible possible. 

Enlightenment is found through the Spirit. To say that we each are born of Buddha  and to become him, is simply to BECOME Christ, accessing the inner light that is within each of us.

Enlightenment is simply the Light of Christ.

We each have this inner- Buddha within us, this inner divine potential that is the Light of Christ within us. It is already there, those that follow Buddhism understand this, that is something we Christians must come to face and understand. That we have the potential within us. As a future missionary, this is beautiful and tragic. Beautiful because we each can come to recognize that light and return to Christ, tragic because so many in the world to not recognize it within them.

 There are many more things to be discussed on the idea of non- dualism compared to the absolutes found in Christianity. Perhaps another day time can be spent for that purpose.

 

Of Her

Do you want to know the absolutely worse thing ever. 

Being perfectly in love with someone, and knowing that they will never love you back. 

 

Its absolutely awful, I even used italics to make sure that the words that needed emphasis had it. It is funny how a single person will stay in your mind forever. A single soul that has so much POWER of you. This is not power in the way that it has direct control over your decisions and actions, but power of the way that you feel. This single person can make you incredibly frustrated and upset in one moment.  Conversely, they have the power to make you happy. A  happiness that goes beyond a grin, its a secret quiet happiness. It is as if their very presence brings peace to your soul. You want to share everything with them.

I have someone like that. I read over my journal, I reference them as Her. I have spoken of Her even here. I try to keep my emotional love life out of this, but. I just.

Well you know.

I simply care for her with all my heart, and it is so frustrating that I can’t be with her.

 

 

Here’s something that looks like it would give me diabetes, and how I feel when I look at it.

 

Its the excitement of not working out.

The Last Question

It is a short story, should only take maybe 10 or so minutes. It is truly beautiful, and I feel a better person for reading it.

EDIT!

Real Link: http://www.multivax.com/last_question.html

By Isaac Asimov in 1956, only a ten minute read, its worth the time.

Good Evening

I do not think that tonight is a good thing, nor do I believe that I shall consider this an evening. What is an evening? A name, a blasted name to represent some time as dictated by some conformed society. My eyes are irritated yet sleep does not fall gently upon me. There is an anger, a darkness being created in my being.

Such a feeling that is within me that makes me curse to the heavens. Questioning the powers that be and fighting against them in my heart. An interesting thought is this, the only thing we know of the nature of the Creator has come from him, and his followers. To put this into perspective, imagine taking the word of the character of a man, but having it all based singularly on what that man has told you.  The only way to really be able to give a full analysis of such a man would be by having the opinion of someone else. Who do you ask though? There is no such scripture written on anything of the nature of God than has been written by him.

These feelings within me, who is to say that they are not inspired by my subconscious? Who dictated what is right and what is wrong? Do I feel pain and guilt because of myself, or do I feel such remorse because of what I think is wrong. Someone feels ashamed in sin only because he thinks it a sin, not because it necessarily is. You might argue that certain things cause us grief because of human nature, but that I feel is subjective. If we are each as unique as we are said to be, then our very nature would be different, filled with different views and reactions to certain things. Therefore, what we deem wrong by human nature, truly stems from what we deem wrong from our subconscious.

Yet I, being one who has been raised with religion heavily influencing my life, cannot tell the difference between what my “natural self” has deemed wrong and what my religion tells me to feel.

I asked a question to a friend of mine the other day. I asked “If you could do something, but have no consequence of any kind what would it be?” Consequence either spiritually, morally, or legally. She said something sweet and rather innocent, “I would like to drink champagne, and feel fancy.” She has been raised in the same church as I have, this thought is especially devious. When she asked me the same I responded, “I would like to die.” Just for a moment. To see what it really is.

Perhaps I have been raised believing in the correct church, perhaps not. The main reason I cannot abandon religion is because I am absolutely terrified of not having one. To simply be lost in some infinite void is absolutely terrifying. I cannot even begin to comprehend what it means to not exist. Because if we exist now, whatever that may be, what does it mean to no longer exist? To become zero, but less than zero. You do not have even a meager place holder, you are simply nothing. To be created from nothingness, into something, and then returning to raw, unregulated, nothingness. That is awful. To be lost in a void.

Perhaps we simply relives our lives, our conscious being consumed by the memories of one life. With only the slightest of adjustments. Our life is but a cycle on repeat, and we are going to die, and go through it again, and again. I wonder, how many times have I been through this cycle? Is this a raw memory as some might hope to believe, or is this but another layer built upon the foundation of a thought done long ago?

I hate going to sleep. It’s not that I do not enjoy the act of falling asleep, I simply cannot stand having to cause this day to end. Tomorrow I will face the same thing, then the same thing. Filled with disappointment, perhaps happiness. Living my life according to the regulations set by the universe.

Maybe tomorrow will be different.

I doubt it.

But maybe.

A Though on Consequence

There is a certain fire that resides in every man’s soul, influenced by the world around him. Whether it be love or war, this fire adapts and diminishes according to the circumstances surrounding that man.

Emotion simply crashing in waves.  Some men accepting the unavoidable flood and growing stronger though it, while others flicker and dim.

A question arises in my mind. Who decides consequence? It is understandable that we are each given the ability to choose, to have such agency. Agency requires several things, firstly, actual choices by which to make, the knowledge about each choice, the ability to make a choice and act on it, and then finally, having a set consequence.  Agency is given by God from what we understand, and it has always been something that we have had for all eternities. Why must we have consequence though? There is the argument that might be found in Ether, that the reason we are given weaknesses is for the chance to grow and to strengthen us. We accept these challenges that we might become closer to Him above, and these mortal tests serve for our benefit.

I simply don’t see why we much be without sin to be in the eyes of God. It makes sense for us to need be perfect in His eyes so that we can be in the presence of a perfect being. Who decided that was necessary? Why was perfection necessary for perfection, why must some things be labeled as darkness and therefore cursed in the eyes of Him?  He who deemed it necessary to need Him in order for us to be saved. Perhaps this is my inner pride speaking, but I would like to ask why it is necessary to need salvation? Who decided that?

I accepted a plan before I came to this Earth, and I understand that. We all did. Why was there not another plan? You can discuss eternal laws of justice that might need to be fulfilled, with the concept of a circular and infinite God. This bringing up the idea that if the goal of this existence is to become like Christ, with the potential to become like him, then it can be assumed that Christ at one point when through a different type of Atonement to be where he is today. Therefore these laws of justice and the need for consequence and equality stem beyond a universe in which our God holds domain over.

The idea is impossible to think of, there is no scripture on the matter. We must remember that we have a very limited understanding when it comes to the idea of existence. There are an infinite amount of questions still to be answered, questions which I have, and others still have.